The 8 Types Of Eater You’ll Find At Every Irish Festival
Words: Shamim de Brún
Images: Instagram, Otherside Festival, Beyond The Pale
Grab your flower crown, your rollies and the warmest can you can stomach because festival season is swinging. Apart from the unhinged campsite antics, the impractical outfits, mudslides, and losing your ‘bag’ on a Friday, there is one thing we know we’ll find at an Irish festival – food.
In any given festival field, you’re now guaranteed to find at least multiple different food trucks and stalls. Gone are the days of just the dry burger or frozen pizza options. These days festivals come with as many food options as musical genres. And with that comes a million different types of festival diners. Hold onto your CMAT-style hats, cowboys, because we’re here to break them down for ya.
The Vegan
A subgenre of any food group. There is a universal rule that you will be at a festival with a vegan. Not just any vegan, a damn passionate, knowledgeable one. This archetype cares about the world. They will likely be carrying a tote bag with them even in the rain. In it, you can bet there is reusable crockery they will hand over to reduce their paper plate consumption.
These diners are usually easily spotted as they like to identify themselves clearly in the form of badges and pins decoratively adorned on their go-to coat. Honestly, they’re mostly good people and usually down to share their chips. Weirdly enough, most of these people have also worked in the food industry. So they’re the most likely to thank the staff loudly, no matter how drunk they are.
The Gym Bro
These guys are often only down at music festivals for the day. They shun debauchery in favour of physical gains and control. But they often like music too, even if they tend toward the more mainstream. While they will definitely be on the protein bars, you know they won’t have packed enough food to keep them going.
So these guys are definitely hitting up the fermented stuff stand. If there’s kimchi, you’ll find these people there. They’re also likely to seek out Poké or anything that’s not deep-fried. If all else fails, You’ll likely see them in the burrito queue.
The Gourmand
If you’re into food, you’ll probably recognise the go-to festival food vendors from Instagram. The festival gourmand, though, collects festival food experiences like Gen Z boys collect vapes. Before they’ve packed their Decathlon rucksack and tugged on their waterproof Solomons, they’ve got a rough idea of what food they’re going to eat and when. They haven’t got it timed – they’re not psychopaths. But they do have a ‘these are the best for breakfast/lunch/dinner’ mental list. They’ll probably have one thing that is non-negotiable and they will be willing to queue for it, even if that cuts into the main event. This is definitely the friend who tries to talk you into going to see the food podcast at the food stage at 10:00. Or has gotten their table at the Happy’s Roast banquet event at Otherside Festival.
In their defence, I do think being able to talk about how you tasted the Bahay battered sausage before it was cool is just as impressive as seeing Artic Monkeys before their 2013 album. And it is infinitely better than the friend that hits you up for cash so they can get another bucket hat they’re just going to lose later.
The People Who Don’t Eat Anything
We literally have absolutely no idea how these guys do it. Well, we have some inkling its illicit substances. But we can’t prove it. These people literally get by without eating a thing. Just powering through 3 days on pure adrenalin. Maybe they keep a few protein bars on them or in the tent. Yet these still manage to up the latest and the first ones to crack a can in the morning. You have to respect the hustle.
The One Meal-a-Day Crew
This is a classic genre. Like Blink 182, it’s a phase we all went through. These people line their stomachs when they emerge from their tent groggy and hung the fuck over. They always go for some sort of mix between a cure and a classic. We’re talking greasy, meaty, carby. For some of this crew, budget might be the issue.
For others, it’s that they know they won’t be able to eat as soon as they start on the party favours but also know tomorrow will be a whole hape worse if they don’t shovel in something. Those that don’t have budget restrictions will likely have a few meals in one here. Tacos, chips, a little ice cream, maybe a Coke.
They are just getting the macros where they can.
The Only-Eat-When-Drunk Gang
These are a mess, and somehow they’re always seeking chips. They spill the ketchup on themselves. They haven’t really processed that they’re going to need to pay for this meal. These are the ones that food vendors hate most because they ask an inordinate amount of questions, and invariably, at least one of them has lost their wallet or phone.
There are many who will avoid queuing behind the only eat when drunk gange just to avoid the time-wasting drama that invariably follows them. While this gange can be any age, they trend younger and are more likely to be found at the biggest food vendor. They don’t mean any harm, but they have been known to accidentally drink from the vinegar bottle and have pleaded with a tired vendor to replace the whole thing of chips they just dropped.
The Instagram Foodies
One of the most widely recognisable genres of eater, you’ll spot this iconic breed far and wide – and not just across a festival site. These people know how to eat pretty food and where to get it. These are also likely the same people who will change into multiple outfits in one day so they can create weeks’ worth of content in one day. And more power to them.
It takes precision, focus, and a hell of a lot of planning to be an insta foodie. These will likely go for food at golden hour, and make sure to have enough battery packs with them. They also tend to have perfectly set festival hair and more than one non-negotiable must-hit vendor a day.
The Broke Pack Mountaineers
These are a crowd that has been hit hard by the cozzy living. Where once the universe provided them with at least one affordable on a tenner a day option, these days, even if you were to queue for an hour, you wouldn’t be able to make that work. So in order to not only survive but thrive at this festival, they’ve come packing.
They brought their protein bars, chicken fillet rolls from yesterday ‘that’ll definitely still be good’ and have their Rice Krispie Squares tucked in everywhere. They went to Dunnes and got all the deals. These are easily spotted by being the only crew with a baguette and some hummus on the hill catching the sun on Sunday.
Elsewhere on CHAR: How to Drink: Festival Edition
