The Brits Claim Guinness As Their Own

Words: Shamim de Brún
Images: George Voronov

In a bizarre and frankly laughable turn of events, the British have claimed that our beloved creamy boi, Guinness, is actually English. Yes, you heard that right, English. Apparently, because a member of the Protestant Ascendancy founded the beer during colonial rule, it somehow makes it English.

It’s clear that the British are just trying to get in on the Guinness hype. They can’t come to terms with the fact that their most popular beer is actually Irish.

You think they would have learned their lesson after claiming Paul Mescal and the entire cast of Banshees as their own. Or from when they claimed Katie Taylor. But I guess once a coloniser, always a thief, forever claiming things that aren’t theirs.

Twitter has been set ablaze with a heated debate about the nationality of our beloved black stuff. One Twitter user, @BorisBrews, tweeted, “Guinness is an English beer. Arthur Guinness was English; his descendants are English and literally live in London, so technically, it’s ours. Sorry, not sorry, Ireland.”

The debate even caught the attention of celebrities, with English comedian Ricky Gervais tweeting, “I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that some people think Guinness is English or the fact that they actually care. It’s beer, people. Let’s just enjoy it.”

Ugh, just another colonialiser who got the cream.

But before you start getting too riled up, dear reader, we must reveal that this is all an April Fools’ Day prank. The idea that Guinness is English is nothing but a hilarious and absurd notion, though admittedly, we wouldn’t be surprised.

If England actually want to claim Guinness as their own, they’ll have to take this gorgeous glass of creme from my cold dead claw.

Happy April Fools’ Day!

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